Flying-The Finale

It's just before landing now and everyone has that look, the one where you notice them eyeing the overhead compartments, making their escape plans. Of course we all know that the only escape plan involves a snail like exit behind an assorted bunch of not so seasoned travellers. I have huge admiration for the ones who stay seated because they aren't in a rush, as I'm sure they have an equalled disgust for how little patience most of us have. The flight attendants are now hurriedly getting things organized, taking any loose garbage and telling people to put their chairs upright, oh, and to lose their big headphones, as it's a HUGE safety risk to wear them.... Really??... It would be quite the funeral though if you were laying in your casket and someone in the crowd whispered, "How did he die again?"..to which someone replies, "He didn't listen to the stewardess when she told him to take off his earphones and they choked him to death upon landing....everyone else survived..poor guy"..."oh and his seat was NOT in the upright position. I think this added to his problems.."....
    Laura and I had the not so pleasure once of flying in the last seats of the plane. I can vividly remember that our seats reclined approximately 3 inches, banging against the lavatory wall, when one of the stewards came up and gave Laura a hard time. It was comical! "ah m'am, I may look dumb but I know what I'm doing. Please put your seat in the upright position."..hahaa..the look on her face was priceless. That was the five hour trip where at the end my legs wouldn't unbuckle. I try to forget it.
    The landing is my favourite part. That sensation you get just before the wheels touch down on the tarmac, helped by the last little push of the throttle to keep the nose up a little as you land. Then the noise of the reverse thrusters and the first quick thoughts of your destination. Even though a lot of what I wrote seems a tad negative, believe me when I say that I love flying. All of those quirky incidents that I mentioned before are really what makes it interesting to me.
    Too tall to be a pilot and definitely not having the nerve to service people in the cabin, maybe I'll take up crash scene investigation or air traffic control!!...Yikes, you say?...

Flying-Airborn

Finally, what you paid for, actual flight. The average person doesn't usually even think twice about finally getting up there, but it's a freakin' miracle that you are soaring in the clouds. So many things have to be just right for your plane to be streaking across the sky and for those who appreciate it, paying a price you think is crazy seems a tad more to make sense than it did on the ground.
    As we were taking off, I was playing a game on my iPhone and the woman next to me glared at it like it was the detonator for a huge bomb directly under her seat. I could see her holding on to her armrest like it was the last piece of wood from the Titanic, as she floated hopelessly in the Atlantic. I calmed her down a few minutes in by pretending to make a call...haha.. Actually, I put it away and explained later that I had it in 'Airplane' mode (whatever that really means). I told her that if my phone could possibly be the culprit in bringing our plane down, then we had a lot bigger things to worry about. I think that made it worse for her, especially when I chuckled while saying it. We were finally up and levelled out.
    This is the moment where you hear a hundred 'clicks' and every nimrod who didn't whiz before the flight get up to use the bathro-..,washroo-.., tiny closet that I can only sit in to pee. I suppose that it is a moment that passengers who are afraid of flight might need after take-off though. I personally am not scared of flying at all, but will always ask the person next to me if they are comfortable or not before we leave. I need to know what I'm dealing with in case there are 'issues' during the flight. Is this person going to freak out? Will they need restraining? Will I have to knock them out before we go down? All pertinent questions I think. Once again I'm probably just making this person uneasy.
    Where's the food and drink? Oh yeah, they hardly serve anything anymore to the common folk. Last flight I had a choice between 4 salted almonds or a mini bag of multi coloured weird shaped objects that are supposed to be healthy. What are those things anyway?? Then I asked for my usual, tomato juice on ice, and kindly asked for the whole can as well. I got the 'phoofff' and the 'humphhh' from the steward as he reluctantly passed it to me. Seriously?! You can't spare that whole can of million dollar tomato juice?  It's going to break you when you have to use another can as mix for some old fart a couple seats back! I'll 'PHOOFFF' you alright!
    Just then I hear the intercom and it's the Captain of course, in that low, drool of a tone, "Thiiiiisssss issss yerrr Cap'n speakinnn. We arrre presently flyinnnn at ...... let's seeee, 32000 feet or sumthing like that..aaaaaaa" and he continues to draw it out for a while longer, explaining that all of the delays etc weren't going to be a problem for our landing time. I always question this. Why does it never effect our landing time when there are delays before the flight? I'll tell you why! Because, every flight could get to your destination quicker if they wanted to! They're messing with us! Using less fuel or flying at the most desirable altitude. It's not a four course meal at a high class restaurant. None of us want to wait for the entrée and enjoy our appy during the flight! We want to get there as soon as possible...and yes, I do love flying, remember that...
Final 'Flying' chapter coming soon-Landing, exit and baggage claim..