Bring back the Champ!!

'Planting Tulips around Mr McGinty's stump' is a line I will never forget. It was the first 'Champ' episode I heard when my Father introduced me to what is now a radio legend. I laughed so hard at the 'Champ' that my cheeks hurt and I felt sick to my stomach, yet in the room sat two others that hardly cracked a smile. That's what it was like, you either busted a gut over his antics or you thought it was the stupidest thing you ever heard.
  The 'Champ', for those that don't know, was simply the voice of an ex boxer who, through hilarious plays on words, told stories of his buddies and family in a very crude and crass manner. 'PARRRDONNN', was his signature line and when he said it, you knew that someone was going to get faked, then punched in the breadbasket. There was Knuckles Muldoon and a cast of various other hard tickets, but the Champ's wife was the focal point. If anyone dared to put her in a 'position' that didn't fit the Champs liking, they were beat in a most delirious fashion. His misinterpretation of what was said is legendary. For instance, never ask the Champ if he wants his balls washed while on the golf course or if he met Don Cherry and Blue his dog, he will 'Snap and Lose it' and finish your day for you.
  I actually wrote a couple of episodes of the Champ back in 2000 and had fun doing it. I had sent them off to our local radio station and still think that someday I'll hear them while driving down the highway, possibly to the Old Log Inn. How far is the Old Log Inn you ask? Don't ask the Champ if you know what's good for ya. They definitely had some Maritime flair to them.
   That was the beauty of the Champ, anyone could relate, simplistic in nature, yes repetitive, but a whole lot of laughs to cheer up your day......Ever Since, I've been the Champ!....

Merge Dammit!!!!

I know that the drivers of Nova Scotia do not really know what the word 'MERGE' means and how it affects the stream of life in a city. Many times I have said, "if only we could throw some of these drivers into a big city and show them what it is to really merge properly", the majority of them wouldn't last after the first on ramp, stuck in the middle of the road, holding their hands over their ears and repeating the same words over and over, "..help me, help me, help me..". If only they could merge into traffic as well as they frantically 'merge' in front of people in a line up at Tim Horton's or knock me over at the trinket table at the flea market!!
  Take these defining words and see how well you fit into the category of a good merger (and I'm not talking about the Survivor kind). Combine, coalesce, unite gradually, blend, swallowed up, absorbed, fuse..scanning these quickly you'll notice there is nothing that resembles these words...Stop abruptly, braking, waiting, scared, can't see over steering wheel, wall-eyed, whiplash, make up your F%$&*@# mind. It's a ramp you're driving on for a reason! The purpose of the extra pavement in front of you is to gain speed before MERGING into moving traffic. If there wasn't a ramp, yes, it would be a stop sign and you would have to wait. Maybe a good idea would be to have at the end of every merge ramp a huge pit that you'd fall in or an ocean to careen into. If all you're interested in is taking it from behind, it might hurt but at least you won't have to involve the cops or an insurance company if you merge properly.
  That was a little harsh, but those moments are very frustrating for a good driver. I actually clap my hands when someone merges properly. Yes, I physically applaud while driving when I witness good, competent skills on the highway because of how poorly the masses drive. Which leads me to wonder, what is being taught in these driving schools now anyway?! We used to complain about old people and their crazy habits, but 9 times out of 10 the person pissing me off now is a young punk, either texting, listening to the melodic sounds of his giant muffler or looking for his eardrums on the floor as he 'BOOM BOOOOOM's' by, his side mirrors vibrating off his car. And please don't get me started on the differences between drivers from our very culturally diverse city. I have traveled to many countries and have seen the chaos first hand, I love it, but it seems in friendly old Nova Scotia that no matter who we are or where we're from, we tend to drive with the same politeness we most often give off as Canadians.......maybe the sign should read, "MERGE...Please".....

  

Balls are Everywhere!

Is it just me or are 'balls' the new 'in' thing? Especially on TV, 'balls' are everywhere! Its a phenomenon right now that just seems to be gaining momentum, rolling along, picking up all those who like to laugh at the notion that the 'balls' that everyone is talking about are those of the male persuasion and we must all giggle about it. It seemed to start with that new hit show a few years ago, Wipeout, when these giant red balls were used to propel an endless amount of suckers who thought they were athletes into icy waters below them. The commentators making sure to say 'balls' every chance they got, knew that children above the age of 10 and adult males up to the age of 45, who never really grew up at all, would laugh their asses off and watch the show. Or maybe it began a few years before that when Alec BaLLdwin was making his 49th appearance as host on Saturday Night Live and played the now infamous chef Pete Schwetty. Guaranteed to be one of the most hilarious skits you will ever see, Baldwin and his two very stiff female radio hosts had us all in stitches commenting on his tender, succulent signature Schwetty balls. Why, just watching television tonight I was bombarded with first an advertisement about a fantastic new vacuum cleaner, the 'Dyson Ball' and then flicked through at least 12 channels, all of them having a very familiar game centered around an orange spherical object that I'm quite sure was referred to as a ball! It was madness! Well it was March Madness of course. No one was making fun of those balls,  but they're still everywhere I turn.
   You can just imagine what happened when I 'googled' this craziness! Stress balls at work, fitness balls at the gym, wrecking balls, like no one could have come up with the wrecking cube!?...Fushigi Balls, helping you to feel your inner self and then the endless amount of sites that popped up which I cannot name on this post. I'm starting to sound like that old guy on 60 Min, Andy Rooney!...only, I'd refer to him as just plain nuts!....